Raising Teens

 What happens when you have a grown child, and everyone disagrees on how to handle a situation. Everyone thinks their way is the right way, but really what is the right answer? If you can all sit back, take a deep breath, and hold a space that is not judgmental. One thing I always tell parents, if you have open communication with your child you are already ahead of the game.

If they come to you with "good news", there are a couple of things you can do, you can take the information, and if it was good news, address it right there. Congratulate, or let them know how proud you are of them. It never gets old telling your child how proud you are of them. It could be an award they won, or the choice to not get into a friends car that was driving under the influence etc, whatever the good news is, listen, acknowledge, and praise them.

What happens when your child does or says something that you disagree with? First you listen, and receive what they are saying. Remember to hold a space of non judgement. When there is a break in the conversation, you can say to your child you understand it was difficult to discuss the subject with you, and that you appreciate their honesty. The biggest thing is with teens/youth is they want to be heard, they want to be validated and they want to be seen. If they shut down, it is because they are not given the space to talk. You can let your teen know you love them, but are very disappointed in their actions.

My son once said to me, "Mom, I would rather be yelled at then being told you were disappointed in me, those words stay forever." So my point is, you can get across to your child with your words, rather then yelling at them. Choose your words carefully. When I am upset with my child, I will tell them, "I am disappointed in the choice you made, please help me understand your reasoning".

If your teen/youth has made a bad decision, and a consequence is in order, discuss with them, their choice and the dangers that could have happened. You will also need to discuss consequences, you can provide different consequences for certain bad behaviors, and then stick to them. Perhaps they drove home under the influence, or didn't come home when they were suppose to. Then a consequence could be, not driving or their cell phone gone for a period of time. If they come to you with something that makes you so angry, let them know you are very upset, and you need to walk away. Once you have calmed down, and regrouped, ask them to sit down and discuss. Trying to talk when everyone is upset, or angry will not work. It will not be productive, and things will be said that aren't meant to be said.

You can also use the ticket system. You can create tickets for different scenarios, these are just a few examples;

• A teen can provide so many tickets a month to their parent to babysit a younger sibling
• Ticket to take 5 while arguing - Once you pass the ticket, you stop and you walk away
• Parents can create so many tickets for "taxi" services for the week
• A ticket for an extended curfew (Special Occasions)
• A parent can give tickets as a "warning" when something is asked and it was not followed through. 

The ticket system can be fun, provide structure, and discipline. That way it shifts the onus back onto the youth/teen, and even parent.  These are just some fun ways to create fairness and equality. A great tool to help raise teens/youth.

Thanks for stopping by...

Take Care,
Shelley Harris