Dig Deep & Forgive

Felt compelled to write...

This past couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster. There has been sickness, sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, forgiveness, triumph, acceptance, and graditude.

Throughout my life I had to create coping mechanisms (CM). Those mechanisms helped me through crisis and/or chaos. Some of my CM's were healthy, but most were not. Something I do love to do, is to be funny, and make people laugh, even at my own expense. Another CM is, putting a smile on my face so people would not see or feel my pain.

With all that has gone on throughout my life, I have played all the roles in my family, but one I have not, is a child. I don't know what a mother/daughter or a father/daughter relationship looks or feels like. I don't remember much of my childhood, other then taking care of people or situations. That has always been my role. It wasn't my Mom or Dad that fixed "it", it was me.

My emotions started getting in overdrive a few weeks ago. I went back to work after being home for a year. It has been difficult because what I really want to be doing, is to work with youth. I know the time will come, and I will be doing what God has intended me to do. So for now, I wake up and just go through the motion until my time comes to be doing what I am meant to do.

I am currently battling with my emotions. Just over 2 weeks ago my brother had a stroke, in fact that was his 3rd stroke. Previous to that he has several heart attacks, which he is still having quite a bit of chest pains. He is not out of the woods yet, his motor skills & speech are getting better each day, but he still has some healing to do. But hopefully he is on the road to recovery.

Because I've always had anger, and resentment towards my parents, people often asked me, how do you think you are going to feel if something happens to your parents? If I am being honest with my response, I'll normally say,  I'll be sad, but life goes on...always a cold response. I have never found it in my heart to love them like a child should, so how can I feel any emotion if something were to happen? Well that was until yesterday....

That time has come, my parent is gravely ill. When I first got the call just over a week ago, I was like okay well life goes on. Then after my brother visited and the daily updates from my Step-Father, emotions started stirring within me. Each day this past week I started taking an hour or two, and just sitting with these feelings. Then something amazing happened. I started to feel an authentic and natural love towards my mother. I never knew that kind of love existed. I mean I feel authentic and natural love for my kids, but never my parents...Until Now.

Then I started praying for this week to end so I could run to my mom and see her, she lives over 2 hours away, and the hospital is not far from where she lives. With starting a new job, I can't take time off through the week to see her, so my weekends will be comprised of spending it with my Mom. When she first saw me, she was angry, and she was yelling at me, this is her dementia. At first I was crying, and taking it personally, but soon realized it wasn't her, it was her sickness.

After things settled down, I held her, what seemed to be for hours and told her how much I love her, and I need her to be my mom, and get healthy. She settled down, and we had some very tender moments. I made her look me in the eye, and told her, "I need you to tell me you love me", she did, and I did the same. This was the first time I told my Mom I loved her, and really meant it. I could never say the words before, but I am very giving of them now.

So in closing, if you are in a place where you can't forgive, sit with your feelings and emotions. Allow yourself to feel them, don't rush, take the time you need and move forward to forgiveness. It will help them, and it will help you.

I don't know if my mom will make it to next weekend or next month, but one thing is for sure, she knows I love her, and strangely I found peace in that!

Until next time...Thanks for stopping by

Shelley xo