When "It's" Bigger Then You...Ask For Help

Over the past couple of months my world came closing in on me, and then it came to a screeching stop. I write this with authenticity, vulnerability and transparency.

The past year I had been home, on unemployment, (my work closed down last summer) so I took full advantage of the year, and spent some quality time with my family, and volunteered at my daughters school occasionally. And in between I searched to find a job in the community field, servicing youth. I then decided to reach out to an old highschool friend Derrick Shirley who just finished his ride across Canada for Youth At Risk. I knew his goal was to start up an organization for youth,  It Takes 2 (IT2) Youth Leadership Institute. I was excited to join Derrick last November as a volunteer and begin the start up process for IT2.

Over the next several months while working on IT2, my reality was running through my mind, I need to find a full time job that will pay the bills. So early spring I began my job search, and mid June I started at a Pharmaceutical company (My previous background). When I started I was sad, and felt very deflated. I had an incredible year and I didn't want it to end. After all I was living the dream!

I was back to work less then a week, and my brother had a stroke, and a heart attack in previous weeks. It was very difficult to function, especially being new at the company and couldn't take any time to see him (he lives 2 hrs away). Then a week after that my mother was rushed to the hospital, where throughout the 8 weeks in the hospital they lost her twice. Thankfully she was revived and is now getting better each day. But it was one hell of an emotional roller coaster. Again very difficult, I would leave her on the weekend, and didn't know if I was going to see her alive the next weekend.

Growing up with a very troubled childhood I never expressed any emotions or feelings towards my parents. I never knew what love was, except for the love I have for my children. So when my mom was gravely sick a field of emotions blew wide open. I had buried/blocked every traumatic event in my life and now what was happening was all the events surfaced to a point where I couldn't control them. All while dealing with the sickness of my mom and brother. I started having panic and anxiety attacks.

There were so many factors about my depression, but going back to work I felt lost, confused, and angry. I wanted everything to happen on my timeline, but soon realized life doesn't happen on my time line, I have to continue to keep the faith, and God will make it happen when it's time. Servicing youth is my Life's Purpose/Mission so I know it will happen. I was attaching myself to the "how & when" and it is not about the how & when, it is about the "what & why".

The past 2 months I was in a very deep depression, I was tired of the pain, I was tired of rejection, and I was tired of feeling judged, and not loved. I started to think that my family would be better off without me. I couldn't find happiness, I was tired, and my demons were rampant. During this time, I alienated myself away from everyone, including my family and friends.

I realized I couldn't do it anymore, I needed help. This has been a long time coming, I went to my family doctor, and initially he wanted to prescribe anti-depressants, and I said no I don't want pills, I want help. He referred me to a Psychotherapist, and I cannot believe how much better I am feeling. I have my smile back, and I got a kick back in my step. The doctor said it's about to get ugly, and funny enough I am okay with that, I am ready to deal with this "baggage".

If you are dealing with any mental issues, depression, or anything that is preventing you from having a quality life, please stop and ask for help. I'm glad I realized I cannot fix this, this is bigger then me, and I need help. If you know someone who suffers from depression, or a mental illness please stop, and ask them what they need, it might be that they only need to talk. Or in more serious cases, encourage them to seek professional help.

So where I am now,  I am happy, and grateful for my job, family, and friends. I am excited to see where I go from here. More importantly, I care about me again.

Be grateful you have life, someone out there is fighting for their life, and would trade places with you in a heart beat.

My story has a happy ending and yours can too.

Thanks for stopping by....

Much Love,
Shelley Harris

Resources: 

Wiki:  http://www.wikihow.com/Help-Someone-with-Depression

Dr. Richard Amaral:  http://www.psychologyforgrowth.com/

Depression Hurts: http://www.depressionhurts.ca/en/