My Mothers Death

November 02, 2015

My Mothers Death

Sunday Oct 4th 2015, after supper I called my mom, I hadn't talked to her for a couple of weeks so I decided to call her because I was heading to Ontario on Thursday for work and to see my older kids. The week was going to be busy so I said I'll call her just to let her know I'll see her on the weekend. When she answered she was yelling into the phone, which she has done many times. When she is like that I will speak very loudly so she can hear me. But this time was different, I was speaking very loudly almost yelling, but she didn't hear me, I said mom you got to get your hearing checked.

One of the things I've struggled with, is telling my mom I loved her, I only started in the last 6 months. For those who don't know I had a very troubled childhood, you can read previous blogs to understand why it was so difficult to tell my mom I loved her. Anyhow, on Sunday she did hear me say "I'll see you on the weekend", and that "I love you". My mother yelled back to travel safe and she loved me too, and couldn't wait to see me.

Well that day never came...

Monday Oct 5th, 2015 the phone rings, and it is my step-father. When I heard his voice I knew something was up, he didn't sound like his cheery self. I said what do I owe this call in the middle of the day? Usually I hear from my mom and step-father in the evenings or weekends. I was thinking well I just talked to my mom yesterday so maybe he needed something or had a question...Or so I thought.

That one phone call changed everything.

My step-father said your Mom has been rushed to the hospital unresponsive, and you need to come now. I said what do you mean? I just talked to her. He said he woke up in the morning and she was unresponsive so he called 911. They arrived and as they wheeled her out, she stopped breathing in the parking lot. They resuscitated her and got her breathing again, but then she fell into a coma. Once they got her to the hospital they informed us that if it happens again they will not resuscitate her. She has a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order in place. Obviously we have to go with her wishes. But then I start to think 2 years ago they resuscitated her twice and both times she came back. She went on to live 2 more years. But this was her wish and we have to abide by it. The doctors said if by miracle your mother comes out of the coma she will be in a vegetative state. All I knew was I didn't want her to suffer.

Monday night my daughter had figure skating and she wanted me to come but I said I better stay home just in case. So my mom fought over night and into Tuesday Oct 6th. Tuesday night Kayla had figure skating again and wanted me to come and I didn't want to go, but at this point I haven't been out for a few days so I said well I haven't heard anything so I will go and get some fresh air. We got to the arena and 20 mins in, I got THE call, I walked outside to take the call and it was my brother. All I remember him saying was, "Shell she's gone". I walked behind the arena screaming and crying. In between all of this I was struggling because I wasn't there, and desperately trying to get a flight out before my scheduled flight on Thursday. Everything after that was a blur.

When I got home after figure skating, I didn't know what to do, or who to call or what to say, I was in shock. All I knew was I didn't get to see my mom before she died. I did have my brother hold the phone to her ear while I told her again I loved her and to hang on if she can. I am guessing she didn't want me to see her that way, because shortly after I spoke in her ear, she was gone. My mom had a drug problem, but what took her life was a stroke to her Brain Stem.

The next couple of days blew me away, the support I received was like nothing I've ever received or seen before. There was so many ways that people showed their love and support, it truly warmed my heart and I took such comfort in it all. As I wept, one thing specifically, I will always remember that night, my MIL and her sisters sang "Cover Me" from Mark Condon to me. What a touching moment.

I always wondered how I would feel when my mother does pass away, I had so much anger towards her. I always had a hard time forgiving her. I get to a point in my life where I would forgive her, then something would happen, and my anger would resurface. There will always be things unsaid, I couldn't say it because I didn't want to hurt her more then her family already did. My mom was broken, she was not well, physically or mentally. But in her last couple of years I always tried to make the best of it. I suppressed my feelings so I wouldn't have to "deal" with it and just tried to take one visit with her at a time. Growing up the way I did, I was able to desensitize myself and not express feelings. I don't know how to show my feelings.

Thursday morning, came and Kayla and I headed to St. John's, I was in a depressive state, I was just wanting to get there. When I arrived I headed straight to Brampton to pick up my rental car. After spending a short time with my older kids, Kayla and I were off to Seaforth to have a private viewing and to process the funeral documents. Even with my mom cremated there was so much paperwork to be filled out. When I arrived, I just wanted to fall into my moms arms. I went up to her, I stroked her face and her hair. I never wanted to walk away from the room. We put a Carmel candy in her hand (that was her favourite) and we walked away.

While I was in Ontario it was so hectic that I never had time to process or grieve. Since the trip was planned previously, Kayla was with me, so trying to entertain her, driving everywhere, arranging everything and then working at the office for a week, it was all too much. I still don't know how I managed it all. My husband or older kids did not travel with me, so not having their support was really tough. I am very thankful for the friends I have and my brothers (and family), they were such a rock for me when I needed it the most.

When I reached back home to Newfoundland, I took time rest. When my body was able to slow down, I started feeling the feelings I suppressed as a child. I have been holding back expressing how I feel, but this past week my body started to shut down and go numb. It was time to let it out, I feel vulnerable and scared, these are unchartered waters for me but it is not healthy to hold in it, it is not fair to you, or to the people around you. Don't get me wrong, I have shed tears before but this level of emotions is something I have never experienced before.

I am feeling very vulnerable writing this blog and sharing, but if it helps one person express their feelings then it's reached its purpose.

Also, on Oct 7th, 2015 I lost my grandfather, so it has certainly been a tough few weeks.

R I P Mom Sept 12th 1945 to October 6th 2015
R I P Grandpa Oct 7th, 2015

As a Certified Professional Coach we are trained to help people achieve their goals, and tap into their emotions. This process and self reflection has helped me to express my feelings and ask for help.

If your ever have a time and you need help, don't be afraid to reach out.

Much love...Thanks for stopping by

Shelley xo