Pandemic, Family and Mental Health...How are you doing?

 Hi Everyone!

How is everyone doing, it's been quite a while since I've last checked in? So much has happened this past year it's crazy to think what we've all been through. I started this blog sometime ago and never finished it. I don't know why I wait so long to blog, I really enjoy writing, and I always have some story to share lol. 

Well, it's certainly been a tough time, I think the hardest part was losing my step dad and not seeing my family and friends in Ontario for 2 years, and over 3 years since I've seen my son. I can't wait to see them and wrap my arms around them, I don't know if I'll ever let go. 

This pandemic took one of my most beloved family members, in January my stepfather passed away from Covid. It was heart breaking the way my step dad was treated in Long Term Care.  He was a resident at Caressant Care in Listowel, and how they handled Covid due to their negligence cost so many people their lives, including my step dad. Through the media's investigations and their findings so many things were confirmed with how my brother and I were feeling. There were 52 people in the home, 36 got Covid and 13 died.  

The condition my step dad arrived at the hospital was deplorable. We received a general letter from Caressant Care advising of the cases in the home and that they were trying to contain them. My brother said, you know what, I am going to call just to make sure Ed (Our Step Dad) was not one of them. So sure enough when he called, they informed my brother that Ed in fact had Covid. I was so upset that they never informed us directly. I called the next day and asked why we were not called. I was about to lose it on the nurse, but then I could hear the sheer panic in her voice. So I calmed down and then asked how is Ed doing, she told me he was fine, he sitting in his chair and he is stable. I asked is he showing any signs, and again she said he was ok. So how did we go from he was ok, and within 18 hours he was whisked to the hospital and died. The worse 3 cases went to the hospital and Ed was one of them. It is now July, 7 months later, and I still can't wrap my head around it, and the fact I won't see him this summer or ever again breaks my heart. 

This past year I noticed a big shift within me, I've always been an extrovert, the life of the party and now I have become more of an introvert. It's been 6.5 years since I've moved to Newfoundland and somedays I still find it really hard. I find myself alone alot, and somedays I don't mind, but some days it makes me sad. I know it's been hard to fit in, I mean face it, you move to a small town where everyone knows everyone. They have their people/families and their circles, and you aren't a part of it. I really miss the days where I could run to my best friends house, and have the ugly cry with, or just laugh until our bellies hurt. 

It's tough because my mind can go into some really dark places, and my Mental Health has certainly taken a toll, especially during the pandemic. You can look at someone and think they always look so happy, or always smiling, but you never know what they are dealing with. I've never been one to suffer from anxiety, but these last few years has been hard and lately my anxiety has been through the roof. All of the these emotions and feelings have been triggered. I think how I grew up, or lack thereof makes me not want to reach out or burden people, this is something I really struggle with. We were taught at an early age to not talk about it, not to ask for help so we just sit in our own thoughts and struggle. Which of course is not good. 

I started doing short Vlogs on TikTok to express myself, and I really enjoy it. I've heard people say why do you post videos, why do you share your life with strangers, or why do you like social media so much. Well not that I really have to answer, but I will tell you this, because I want to leave a legacy to my family and friends of who I am, and what is important to me. How awesome will it be, that one day when I am gone, my family and friends can look back and watch my videos. Also, I've had one hell of a life, and if I can help one person overcome the adversities in their life, then why not. I have went through a lot in my life, and I never let it define me. It is important to show people how you can overcome and move on from things that happened to you in your life. I've also received a ton of amazing feedback from people I have touched or inspired, it makes me happy when something I've said or done resonates with someone. Sometimes, I can be really random, funny or serious, you just never know what you are going to see or hear lol. 

Sept 2021, I just came back from Ontario, and Quebec where I seen my family and friends. It was absolutely amazing, I couldn't possibly describe how awesome it was to be back home in Ontario. I missed my best friend so much, and of course, as per the norm, the tradition when I arrive is to order pizza. For whatever reason, I have yet to find a pizza in Newfoundland close to Ontario pizza, so that is always my request when I arrive. It was so surreal, when my daughter showed up to my Best Friends home, I ran out of the house and grabbed and hugged her, it was way too long! I am never going that long again. We just sat and talked and talked, I felt like I was talking a mile a minute. I just couldn't stop hugging my daughter, my heart was just like mush. 

So for the first week, we hung out at my daughters place, just talked and got caught up, we couldn't do a whole lot, it was so hot, and with no air, it was hard to get anything done. But as a Mama I spent the first few days just cleaning and helping reorganize, probably not the greatest idea to do when it is scorching hot, but at least it got done! The first week went by slow, which was great, but then once you get into the second week, it flew by. 

I was so happy I could be there for my best friends daughters wedding, what a beautiful bride, and an absolutely incredible wedding! We had the best time, I caught up with friends, had some great laughs, and danced all night long. The photo booth was pretty fun too, always a great time when I can be silly with my BFF and daughters. 

The second week of our vacation, My oldest brother, niece, my youngest daughter and I headed to Trois Rivieres in Quebec to see my son for a couple of days. I wish we had more time, hopefully next time we see each other we'll be able to do some fun stuff. We went on a nice hike in the woods, it was a scorcher, but it was nice to see my son in his element. We also hung out at the pool at our hotel where my youngest daughter and niece swam, and then my son, his GF and I just sat and had a nice chat. We all loved m son's GF, they seem really great for each other. She is definitely Mama approved! ;)

The third week of our vacation just flew by, I went and spent a few days with my brother and family in London, and had such a great time. I love that my brother likes to be on the go like me. So we had such a great time exploring South Western Ontario. We covered so much ground, it was some of my favourite times of my vacation. Earlier my BFF, myself and my daughters went to the beach, I missed the lakes so much, I love to swim in the lakes and Kayla was in awe of how clear and how warm the water is. I think she is sold on the lakes too. I swam in Lake Erie, and dabbled in Lake Huron as well. Lake Huron looks like the tropics, I forgot how beautiful Lake Huron is. 

While I was in London we had a family picnic at the park, it was so nice to see almost everyone, including my dad. The relationship with my Dad was always strained, and I always try to tell myself, just forgive, he did the best he could. My dad was so sweet when I seen him at the park, and then when we stopped at his apartment. He was so proud of me, showing me off to everyone around. It was nice to feel loved and wanted. When we drove away, I started to cry because the last time I hugged my step dad, and my mom, I never knew that was going to be the last time I was going to be see them or hug them.

Leaving everyone, was incredibly difficult, I lost so much precious time with all of them, and leaving again was excruciating. If you have your family close, cherish them, and don't take it for granted. It was so emotional, every good bye, knowing it'll be another year before I see everyone, its painstaking. Once my youngest daughter is done highschool, we will reassess where we are and make some decisions. I can't bear to keep doing this. 

How has the Pandemic affected you, how is your mental health? Since I've been home, I've been really struggling. It's hard being away from family, especially my kids, the heartache you constantly feel and the sadness you have in your heart never goes away. I felt like I left a big chunk of my heart once again, and after almost 7 years you'd think it would get easier, but it doesn't. Homesick is for real, and its hard!

RIP January 21, 2021